I respectfully dissent

woody

The bird had just alighted on his favorite limb on his usual tree. He furled his three-foot wingspan and took it easy after a morning of pecking. He looked down from his perch and saw a creature that appeared to be entirely unsuited traipsing through Arkansas swampland. Its round pink face was dripping sweat. It obviously hated swampwater because its lower extremities were covered with a waterproof sack marked with the single word "Orvis." It paused right under the tree, removed its headcover exposing strands of hair combed across a scalp looking like lines of ants crossing a sandy spot.
Then the creature spotted the bird and began knocking on the trunk. It then emitted a distinctive call. It sounded like this:
"I'm with the Yooo-nited States Gummint. I'm here to help you."
The bird looked away. Since the creature below appeared to lack the means to fly and had no beak suitable for pecking, he did not see how the ground-dweller could be of any possible benefit to him.
The creature below continued sounding off. "You are an ivory billed woodpecker, aren't you?"
The bird cocked back its head and called "Whooooo wants to know?"
"I have come from the Great Conservationist from Washington, D.C. We thought your kind had died off, since we hadn't seen one of you since 1944. Now that we know that we did not drive you into extinction 60 years ago, we want to try to help your kind."
The great bird ruffled its feathers, wiped its beak a branch and said, "Well since you mention it, how about not cutting down the trees I rely on for food and shelter?"
"Well, Bill, I can call ya Bill can't I? We got our top people working on that one. We need to gather more data on the connection between trees and healthy forests. But we are continuing to look into it and we'll let you know. But let me tell ya, the Yooo Esss gummint is going to look after you."
"You mean the way you looked after the passenger pigeon?" the bird replied.
"Well now you can't hold one species extinction against the human race now. You ever heard of the California Condor?"
"Aren't they the birds where the last remaining few were captured in nets, forced to breed in captivity and had their young raised by humans with bird puppets?"
"I see you've heard of our work. Now if you'll just come on down I've got a tracking monitor I need to strap on to your leg so we can keep track of you."
"Not so fast, I've heard stories that there were 60 million big shaggy brown things before your kind grew so thick in these parts. What ever happened to them?"
"Buffalo? We still got 'em thank you very much. We got some nice land a ways from here where we don't let anyone fool with them."
"What if they don't like it there? What happens if they leave?"
"Well we do kill them if they leave the land on accounta they might infect the livestock."
The bird reflected on that for a moment and began to scan the scalp for a good place to land a peck. "I seem to remember some nomadic versions of your kind, what ever happened to them? I recall something about the 'Trail of Tears' "
"You mean Indians? We are especially proud of the way we have helped Indians. Between reservations, gambling and Bureau of Indian Affairs, Indians are as happy as pigs in shit. Say, Bill, would you be interested in running a casino? I could get you a sweet deal."
"No thanks."
"Well look, flap on down here, let me attach this monitor and let's see how we can improve your lot. I've got an idea for a program we could call 'No Chick Left Behind' we'll test your young and any that are below average three broods in a row and you'll get this voucher, ya see ..."
"What I am gonna do with a voucher? I'd rather be left alone."
"I gotcha Bill, privacy, let me tell ya, we could put ya on the national Do Not Call list, you'll be loaded with privacy. Now if I could attach this monitor we could begin gathering data ..."
"Not so fast. I am a little concerned about how you get along with other species. You've already pushed us to the brink of extinction"
"Bill, I can see you're a tough customer so level with me, what's it gonna take to put you into the endangered species list today? We've changed, honest. All those years we thought you were extinct, we missed you. Ask anyone, Americans really begin to appreciate something once we have annihilated it. Then we appreciate the hell out of it. So see we thought we annihilated you. You are in a unique position to help yourself. Bottom line when it comes to wildlife, we care. We get along great with seagulls, millions of em' fly around dumps and pick through our garbage. "
"I've got four words for you: Arctic National Wildlife Refuge."
"Well Bill you see this is a completely different situation than that. There is no oil underneath Arkansas. But, say that gives me an idea, ever seen any oil while flying through this place, or coal maybe? By gum this place is big enough to fit several nuclear power plants. Ever built a nest on cooling tower? Talk about the mile high club."
"I'm going to say no to the monitor and all the rest of it."
"Well Bill I'm sorry you see it that way. 'Cause when I get back and tell my managers at the Deee-partment of Interior about you and Congress gets on board, they'll be beside themselves trying stop from driving you into extinction. You drive a hard bargain. But I'll be back."
The man then hitched up his Orvis waders and slogged off. Soon the bird could hear the high whine the of ATV that was carrying the man out of the swamp. The bird left the branch flew up over the forest and then went into a steep dive and drowned himself in the swamp. There are things worse than extinction.

More on the Ivory Bill Woodpecker

A local murder trial ended with a not guilty verdict because jurors thought that the confession was suspect because he had been held in the interrogation room for five hours.

The jury foreman, Dan Hipply, said that jurors had doubts about the major piece of evidence against Munford - a confession to Winston-Salem police. Munford's defense attorney, Teresa Hier, argued that Munford, who was 19 at the time, gave a false confession after five hours of being held in an interrogation room, believing that he would be allowed to leave only if he told detectives "what they wanted to hear."

(Full article at Journalnow.com)

The confession was tape-recorded but the events leading up to it were not. The local DA swiftly raised the shield of justice.

"We've been feeling this for a year," he said. "We understand it. I'm not sure our law enforcement here does. They're not here in court every day."

The DA also suggested that his office should have more input into selecting detectives. This is from a guy who constantly complains about not having enough resources to answer the phones, provide copies of police reports or other tasks. After the Darryl Hunt , Alan Gell and other cases, there is a feeling that the public has gotten more skeptical about police investigations. That is probably healthy. I'm not saying that the police would try to convict someone who is innocent, but if you firmly believe that someone is guilty, it is possible to build a case around that belief.

Lance McCord wants to know why it is a crime for a non-lawyer to give legal advice but it is perfectly legal to advise someone about car repair even if you do not know what you are talking about. He says:

So here's the challenge: give me one good reason that isn't about safeguarding the reputations or salaries of lawyers why my stupid statements about the law should be treated so differently than my stupid staments about cars.

A law license is not a guarantee of competence, but it is better than nothing. A client at least knows that the lawyer has gone to law school, passed the bar exam and is required to follow the ethics regulations. Also if the client feels he was treated unfairly the State Bar can discipline the lawyer and require a refund of a fee on pain of disbarment.

Is there an element of turf protecting in the laws that give lawyers a monopoly on practicing law? Sure. But it is not only lawyers who get that. Only a licensed barber can cut hair. Plumbers, electricians, general contractors, engineers, architects and school teachers are all licensed. So are doctors, dentists, nurses and pharmacists. I've heard that Louisiana even has a florist license.

I've seen disastrous consequences from people who represent themselves in court or rely on the "word on the street" to try to take care of legal problems. It is a shame that the legal system is so complicated that it is risky to try to handle your own divorce or misdemeanor. But you are ignoring reality if you think things will come out OK without a lawyer.

I doubt that casual legal advice for no payment has ever gotten someone in trouble for the unauthorized practice of law. So if you want to share what you learned in Business Law class at the community college with a friend who is in small claims court, go ahead. The chance of being prosecuted is practically nil.

One of the first cases I tried after going into private practice was a drunk driving case. The facts went something like this: Client was driving and spotted trooper following her. He pulled her over and she recognized him as the same trooper who had charged her for drunk driving a few months ago. She plead guilty to the first charge. She denied having had anything to drink before the second stop. The trooper arrested her, cuffed her and had her wait in his car while he went in the convenience store to explain why her car was going to be left there. While the trooper was in the store she panicked, wriggled out of the handcuffs and ran away. The trooper ended up having to call a tracking dog to find her. After she was recaptured she refused to take the breath test.

The main evidence of drinking, according to the trooper's report, was the odor of alcohol. She said there was no way anyone could smell alcohol on her because she wore so much perfume. Since she was adamant that she had consumed no alcohol she wanted a trial.

When she asked me what I thought her chances were, I told her to bring her toothbrush with her to court for the trial because I did not think she would be free to go after the trial.

I tried the case. She testified that she was coming home from visiting her "play mom" at about 8 p.m. when she was stopped. She ran because she was scared and had just gotten her life back together after the previous conviction. At the end of the evidence the judge mumbled, "I find ya' not guilty." I was stunned. This was probably my first trial and it was a win.

Years later I was talking with a local lawyer who had practiced here forever. He told me that on his first days in practice an old moonshiner approached him outside the courthouse and asked if he was a lawyer. He said yes and the moonshiner asked if he had ever tried a case before, he said no. Immediately the moonshiner hired him to represent him that day, but he asked again, "Are you sure this will be the first case you have tried?"

"Yes," the lawyer said.

The lawyer represented the moonshiner and won. After it was over, he asked the moonshiner why he hired a lawyer he never met before and who had never tried a case. The moonshiner said it was a tradition that judges let new lawyers win their first case, provided it was not a serious crime. Knowing that, he felt the only way he could win was to find a lawyer who had never tried one before.

After that I had to look at my drunk driving trial in a whole new light.